I Will Not Go Quitely...

I'm racing this coming weekend. It's "just" a sprint but I don't really feel ready for it...training has fallen by the wayside this past week as I've been busy moving and...well, just moving...but it'll be fine...I'm no less trained than I was for my last sprint and I'm not too worried about it...at least I WASN'T too worried about it until...

...I get this email from the race organizers with all kinds of info about race day and such and included is a link to take me to a list of entrants. I scroll down the list, as directed, to find my name and make sure I'm entered for the right race, I'm in the right age group etc...I did this just after visiting The Kahuna's site and seeing his list of Tri Gods and Goddesses...and I notice that just above my name on the list of entrants is the name Andrea Fisher. Wait WHAT??? THE Andrea Fisher??? IS ENTERED IN A RACE THAT I'M ENTERED IN?? WTF?? PANIC!!! But wait, it gets better...I scroll down the list...Pete Jacobs....Chris Legh....Michael AND Amanda Lovato...Kate Major....Donna Smyers, Karen Smyers, Peter Reid (PETER REID??? THE Peter Reid???)...Todd Wiley, Susan Williams...I scroll back to the top....Jamie Cleveland...and I make myself stop because this is just nuts. OH MY FREAKIN' GOODNESS. What have I gotten myself into???

So then I'm totally stressed out and feel like I should go out and train like crazy for the next four days. I know that's a dumb idea and I don't plan on doing it, but still...I always got away with cramming for a big test...I feel like I really ought to cram for this too! OK, I know, I know...I won't do it. But I feel like I should...

I glance down the list again and realize that these guys are not entered in the sprint but are all signed up for the half ironman race which is a qualifier for IM Florida 2005, IM Canada 2006 and the Half Triathlon National Championships in KS City, MO. OK, that's a little better...BUT, it also tells me a little something about the quality of the field at this race...this is a BIG RACE and there are sure to be some very fast, very competitive people sprinting. If there was ever a race that I was capable of being last in, this would be it. Being last...that's a post for another day (and the topic of much therapy for me)...

So I'm sitting there, totally starstruck and quaking in my bike shoes thinking, "What the heck are you doing in a race with all these big names? You should just use this as a long training day and resign yourself to the inevitable last place finish...then you won't have to worry about it so much. Or you could just bail...just go and watch...it'd be cool to see all those talented athletes..."

But here's the thing: I could resolve that I might be last and just let it go...oh well, there's a first time for everything...someone has to be last and it's ok if it's me...I'll learn a lot by being last. I could give that to myself and take some of the pressure off. But taking the pressure off is letting that razor sharp edge be sharp enough...and you know, sharp enough might as well be dull. I've been saying, for weeks and months now, that I want to be more, to be better, to push harder to not SETTLE for what may be...to play a part in my destiny rather than letting my destiny be written for me. I will not settle this time. NO. COMPLACENCY.

For now I will be starstruck instead of terrified of the big names.
I will be confident instead of intimidated.
I will have just as much character and bravery and determination as the pros out there.
I might not be as strong or as fast but I will not settle...
Enough of being good enough...

There's really nothing to be afraid of. And the reality is, I'll be so much more disappointed with myself if I don't race than I will if I do my best and still finish last. So there's really nothing to lose now is there? Great. Now I can get on with the business of getting ready.