Friday, June 23, 2006

Enough is Enough

I had a bit of a meltdown last night. I was only minor and I managed to not piss off everyone in my general vicinity but I can certainly tell that by the end of the day I'm really tired. I'm mostly over it as I got a good night's sleep but it was just one of those things that reminded me that I have a long way to go and unless I take myself seriously, I can't expect anyone else to.

See, a little note whizzed into my in-box yesterday announcing that the pictures from last Sunday's tri were posted. Now I've been training really hard and trying my best to eat well, to fuel my body and to encourage it to burn off lots of calories. I feel great, I'm TOTALLY motivated, my clothes fit better, I've lost some pounds... but I was not prepared for these pics. I'm not posting them because I want them to be a thing of the past...if you search hard enough, I'm sure you can find them. But I was feeling all studly and fit and strong...and to see those pics just threw me back into my old self, my old way of thinking and seeing myself and I hated it. Do I REALLY look like that?? How can anyone take me seriously as a triathlete? What am I DOING out there?? Every derogatory fat kid comment I could think of went thru my mind - and a few came out of my mouth. OK, I know a lot of race photos can be really unflattering. I know this. Does that make a difference?? NO!!! UGH. STOP THE MADNESS!!!

I realized an intervention was needed immediately and I got myself to bed and picked up my copy of The Triathlete's Guide to Mental Training. I don't recall exactly what I read about because I fell asleep pretty quickly but I do remember that it calmed me down and helped me realize, again, that I can be whatever I want and do whatever I set my mind's just not going to happen overnight and it's gonna take a lot of work. OK. Fine. That's what I signed up for. We've all been dealt our hand of genes...some people were handed fast metabolisms and 8% body fat. I wasn't one of them. But I sure as hell have my health, my determination and my mental toughness... and I best be getting on with taking full advantage of all three. I'm making huge gains in every arena, even mentally, so I need to focus on that. There's just no place in my training program for self flagellation. Enough is enough.

Here's another quote I have in the front of my training log. Seemed appropriate for how I felt last night:

The greater the artist, the greater the doubt; perfect confidence is granted to the less talented as a consolation prize. – Robert Hughes, Art Critic

Now, moving on to my next round of workouts...

Train hard, be safe and have a great weekend!!! Speedy thoughts to everyone racing!!!


Blogger Bolder said...

is anyone ever happy with their race pics?

they are a sobering reminder of how 'how i view me' differs from 'how the lens views me'.

but Spence, we are getting it done, we are living our triathlon dreams -- that's all that matters.

keep at it!

10:24 AM GMT-5

Blogger Barb said...

I was wondering how your weight loss was going. Guess I know why you were on my mind yesterday.

Two words of advice:
1) Put it behind you. You Know you are doing the right things. Now is not the time to lose focus!

2) Next time, bring your own dern photographer! (Makes it easier to edit out the pix you don't like!):)

10:25 AM GMT-5

Blogger jameson said...

the bottom line is you are racing, you are gettting out there, and you working for it. If you don't like the photos use them as your motivation. Keep one posted on your fridge. I use photos and a whiteboard in my apt everyday for motivation. you are out there doing what it takes and the results WILL come.

10:57 AM GMT-5

Blogger nancytoby said...

You ARE a triathlete. You need one of those tshirts that says "THIS is what a triathlete looks like!"

And happy birthday to you too!!

2:59 PM GMT-5

Blogger TriSaraTops said...

It's your birthday---happy b-day!

I hate race photographers. I think they seriously sit there when I come and are thinking, "No, not yet...she looks too normal...ooh-there's a wince of pain and thigh-jiggle--NOW! CLICK" when they take my picture. Until they figure out that ain't gonna sell 'em any pictures, it's THEIR loss. You are strong and you are a triathlete--you are OUT THERE and that's what matters. Don't let those dumbass photogs momentary snap take your mind off that. :)

10:24 AM GMT-5

Blogger Michelle 595 days said...

Eighty pounds ago the reality of what I looked like and the person I thought I was didn’t mesh and when I saw photographs of me I would feel horribly embarrassed and I would cry....and then eat a box of Little Debbie cakes, doing nothing to make the inside match the outside.

But for the gifted photographer, photographs only capture the exterior, the landscape, the shell of a person. If a photographer could capture who you are and how you see yourself - strong, capable, brave, courageous, positive, and determined – the triathlete, that’s the vision that matters - it’s the only one that matters, and the road you’re on sooner or later the inside and the outside will match.

You inspire me.

2:56 PM GMT-5

Blogger Michelle 595 days said...

I errr....ummm...don't really want to say this out loud...[whispering]...I've considered...perhaps...yes...just maybe...taking up swimming too...not for a triathalon or anything....

"You become what you behold", if'n yer beholdin' an Ironman...well...there's that internal vision again.

Run right past that Impatience...she's so annoying!

12:43 PM GMT-5

Blogger Scott said...

OMG Spence, my heart is breaking for you reading this post. I know. Trust me, I know. We can chat about this by e-mail if you'd like. Drop me a line.

6:06 PM GMT-5

Blogger Chris said...

I'm fully convinced that tri clothing only exists as a motivational factor because when you see yourself in them, you always realize that there is more work to be done.

No need to be down on yourself. You *are* heathier and are fitting than you were. That's what really matters!

8:39 AM GMT-5

Blogger Isis said...

I was sad to read this post, because I've been there too. In fact, everytime I look at race or competition photos, I go there again. Sometimes I think better not to look because you need that power image of yourself that you have in your head. That image knows the work you've been doing, the progress you've been making. One frame can't catch that, but people who watch you for longer see it all over you.

Wishing you continued power and strength--because you are inspiring.

6:47 AM GMT-5


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