Thursday, December 28, 2006

You Know...

Right now I'd say I'm in crisis. Things are feeling as low as I think they've ever felt. And you know what just dawned on me? This is STUPID. It's just DUMB. I'm not writing this here because I want you to feel bad for me...but so that you (and I) can see that I'm just being an idiot...Last night i cried for almost 3 hours...finally fell asleep...woke up around 4 and cried myself back to sleep. Would've called in sick but I'm working on a deadline, felt like crap all day, couldn't really eat much last night or today and you know what... ENOUGH. I'm my own worst enemy. I have to get a grip or I'm going to lose everything I care about...including my own sanity. I actually considered checking myself into the psyche ward this morning.

I'm ruining my own life with all this sadness and I realized just now, in a fit of incredulous laughter, that it's my own damn choice and my own damn fault. I'm wasting valuable time, hurting people I love and neglecting everything I decided I was going to change for the better in my life. I'm ALIVE. I'm HEALTHY. I'm not saying suck it up, don't feel the sadness. I have to go thru it. But I am saying I need to quit wasting my energy on being sad because it's consuming me and everyone around me and by the way, it IS possible to just treat it as something that comes and goes rather than letting it cripple me, letting it run my life. I know I need to feed myself so I feel ok. I have to take my meds, go to the gym...all these things will help.

Get a grip, Spence. Be the person you want to be so that you can like yourself again. No one's going to do it for you. And you can't give to anyone else if you're wallowing in it...

Triathlete Girl is in me. She's always been in me. I just have to choose for her to show herself. Yes, it's hard most days right now. But being sad is just making it harder. So here's the plan:

I'm going to be the person my dog thinks I am.

Get over it's boring and unattractive. You like it when your eyes sparkle, not water...

(Comments are off for this one - it's just for me I guess...)
(And yes, I see my therapist tomorrow morning, thanks for wondering...)