Almost Tuesday

11:20 pm. Can't sleep. Usually I'm out after a paragraph or two of my book - but it's been 2 hours of reading and I'm not remotely tired. Might have something to do with the fact that today was a rest day... and that on Saturday night, I slept for 12 hours, 'cause it seemed that I needed to. Or it could just be that there's a lot on my mind... probably a combination of it all...

Training is going pretty well. My depression meds have really made a huge difference over the past three months and for that I'm so greatful. But it's March. And it still feels like January. It's cold. And snowy. And gray and everything is dirty and ugly. And despite the fact that my body is responding to the demands I'm placing on it...and that I'm getting stronger and more fit... I look out the window and see the same bare trees, the same ugly brown, and tears fill my eyes. Mostly because I know that somewhere in the world, there's a warm, sunny beach, a cherry blossom tree in full bloom, there are pear trees and dogwoods and green grass and tulips. And I'm missing it. I'm here in this cold, gray, wasteland... and I'm frustrated because I know I have the power to change my circumstances...and yet, I'm still here. Like the sea anchor of my past is dragging along the bottom...keeping me just below the surface of change.

I seem to lack the ability to be patient with myself. Redirecting your life takes time. Moving is a big prospect. Leaving behind all that I've known for the past 13 years is a gut twisting concept. And yet, the fact that I have the power to change things is both terrifying and quite possibly the biggest relief I've ever felt. What will I do? Where will I go? Who will I love? Who will love me? It's a blank slate...and I just have to build the underpinnings of my castles in the air... At times I feel a little like I'm standing outside of myself watching things unfold. Like I'm the movie...and I have no idea what's going to happen next. Even though my patterns always unfold toward totally predictable outcomes...

Kinda tired of the predictability of my choices...

I don't want to complain...because I really don't have much to complain about...plus it's boring. Feel free to tune out... it's just that this time of year...it really turns me into someone I'm not. Someone I don't really like.

Time to make a gratitude list. Because there really is so much to be greatful for. It's just hard to keep the perspective after 5 months of cold, gray, barren, lifelessness. I'm ready for technicolor. Time to recover from the storm, assess the damage, claim the ruby slippers and step into the light...

11:43. Still not really tired. Although I'm sure the 5 am alarm clock will kick my ass...